Alfred and Jessica have been together in a relationship for 10 years but recently their relationship became a little bit toxic due to frequent arguments and a lack of trust. During arguments, Alfred accused Jessica of lying and cheating without any concrete evidence and Jessica pulled out Alfred’s past relationships and tried to show him a loser.
When the situation becomes out of control, Alfred shares Jessica’s inappropriate pictures on the internet and tries to embarrass Jessica on social platforms. On the contrary, Watching these, Jessica feels betrayed and struggles with mental health because she believes Alfred cheated on her and played with her trust and emotions.
The above example perfectly describes the “scorched earth” approach in a relationship as Alfred tries to harm and defame Jessica’s reputation which can end their relationship soon. Also, sharing inappropriate pictures of Jessica on social media not only harms Jessica’s reputation but also harms Alfred’s reputation as well. Hence, the scorched earth approach in a relationship hurts both parties and may have some long-term consequences.
What is the “Scorched Earth” approach in a relationship?
When in a relationship, both partners engage in a destructive approach that aims to inflict harm, defame, and damage one another’s reputation and character without considering its long-term consequences on both parties. Such behavior often includes a variety of actions such as emotional damage, spreading rumors, public humiliation, and sabotaging.
The goals of the scorched earth approach are usually taking revenge, expressing anger, or exerting more control on the partner. Whatever the goal is, it ultimately results in erosion of trust, breakdown of communication, and destruction of relationships.
Origin of the “Scorched Earth” approach:
The concept of the “scorched earth” approach initially came from the military strategy which includes deliberately destroying everything that could be useful to the enemy, such as burning crops, destroying infrastructures, poisoning ponds or rivers, etc. The main goal of this approach was to leave the enemy with no resources to survive.
This term is mainly used as a metaphor for a destructive approach that ultimately damages a relationship. In this context, “scorched earth” also describes similar destructive behaviors that aim to destroy the other person’s personality, reputation, and other essential factors for survival.
Why is the “Scorched Earth” Approach used in a relationship?
There are multiple factors that drive the scorched earth approach in a relationship, such as:
1. Revenge:
A person may feel betrayed by their partner and want to inflict harm or damage another person to take revenge as much as they perceive they’ve been hurt. It is one of the most common reasons for applying the scorched earth approach.
2. To Exert Control:
The scorched earth approach is also used to assert dominance or control over another person. Individuals often try to control the relationship either to maintain power or to punish the other for his/her failure.
3. Anger and Insecurity:
Unresolved disputes and insecurity of losing often lead to anger and ultimately result in destructive behavior that possibly could end a relationship.
4. Lack of Conflict resolution skills:
A healthy conflict resolution and understanding often help boost mutual understanding and respect. Without having proper conflict resolution skills, the disputes between partners don’t get resolved which leads to anger and sometimes a destructive attitude is also expressed.
5. Past Trauma:
Previous experience of heartbreak, abuse, and betrayal, often shapes an individual’s experience towards the relationship. A bad experience in the past often makes people rude and aggressive towards a new relationship.
Most the people use scorched earth approach in a relationship mainly when they feel desperate and have no options left to express their feelings or emotions or deal with the challenges.
Tactics used in “Scorched Earth” Approach:
There are several tactics used by individuals to sabotage someone’s personality and harm the other person. The tactics include public humiliation, emotional damage, to financial or legal troubles.
1. Emotional Blackmail:
Emotional blackmail is often the first weapon that someone uses during disputes. Using your guilt, fear, mistakes, and other unintentional activities you have done, the aggressor tries to emotionally blackmail the victim.
2. Public Humiliation:
Sharing personal information in the public domain or discussing something about the person publicly with the intention of defaming the person is considered a powerful tool for scorching the earth in a relationship.
3. Spreading Rumors:
Spreading rumors or lies about someone to defame them is another tactic used by the aggressor. However, there is a need to present certain strong proofs to make the rumors more believable to the audience.
4. Financial Sabotage:
Interfering in someone’s financial space, asking for compensation, revealing financial details in public, depleting joint accounts, raising debts for partners, etc are also commonly used by one partner to harm another one.
5. Isolation:
Withholding communication and interaction with another partner as a form of punishment leaves another person isolated. It sometimes causes huge mental pressure and loneliness to that person.
6. Domestic Violence:
Sometimes the aggressor becomes so desperate, frustrated, and angry that he/she seeks a way to take revenge on his/her partner by domestic violence, beating the partner, or using other abusive methods.
7. Legal Manipulation:
It is one of the rarest methods someone uses in the scorched earth approach because it is the costliest method. Legal threats, such as custody battles, lawsuits, etc used to threaten the victim.
Impacts of the Scorched Earth Approach on Individuals:
Several lifelong impacts are possible of having the scorched earth approach in a relationship that includes the following:
Erosion of Trust:
Erosion of trust is the first step of diminishing any relationship and mutual trust and respect become near to zero when you apply a scorched earth approach in your relationship.
Communication Breakdown:
The scorched earth approach results in discontinuity in communication as both parties decide to stay defensive to avoid any kind of further conflicts.
Emotional Damage:
As mutual respect and trust break, it causes a lot of emotional damage to individuals. The result of such emotional damage can be long-lasting as individuals cannot trust their future partners and often become aggressive due to the betrayal.
Alienation:
Due to the conflict, one or both partners often feel isolated as the disputes break them mentally. Both parties feel better staying alone rather than sharing their problems with people.
Increasing Anxiety:
With the increasing tension and intensity of the conflict, individuals feel stress and anxiety that overall affects their health, growth, and well-being.
Potential End of Relationship:
With the end of mutual trust and respect, scorched earth tactics lead to the end of a relationship as both partners start to feel that this is not their preferred relationship.
The negative impact of the scorched earth approach in a relationship doesn’t only affect recent relationships but also affects the future relationship as victims of such situations cannot trust their future partners.
What to do if you are at the receiving end?
If you are a victim of the scorched earth approach, or you are at the receiving end, do the following steps to ensure your safety.
Keep Safe Distance:
At first, you need to create some distance with your partner, physically and mentally, and also minimize communication with him/her to avoid any further conflict or tension. Let your partner know you are strong enough to react in such a situation.
Ask for Support:
You can reach out to people who are trusted and can help you emotionally and physically. Ask for their support and guidance about how to get rid of such a situation.
Stay Calm:
Most people feel anxiety in such situations and commit some mistakes that further accelerate the tension and harm them even more. Hence, it is very important to stay calm and composed during such a situation and analyze your next move before attempting it.
Avoid Retaliation:
It is normal that an individual will try to retaliate, and may try to take revenge on what happened to him/her. But it is advised not to do so such actions because it can accelerate the tension and even in a legal battle such actions will go against you.
Evaluate the Relationship:
A true relationship makes individuals happy and healthy. However, when the scorched earth approach is applied in a relationship, it is no longer a healthy relationship. So, it is advised to analyze and evaluate your relationship status correctly to understand if it is worth staying in the relationship or exiting it.
Take Legal Help:
If necessary, you need to seek legal help and advice to get rid of such situations. If you are wise, keep a document of incidents that occurred to you using the scorched earth tactics. This will be very helpful if you ever need legal help or support regarding this situation.
Protect Yourself:
If the situation becomes very violent, abusive, and out of control, prioritize your safety, ask for help, and call the police if needed to ensure you are safe. Don’t be stuck in moral battles about what is right or wrong. Instead, do what is needed for the hour.
How do you avoid the scorched earth approach in a relationship?
Sometimes it is very difficult to avoid the scorched earth approach in your relationship. But if you are careful from the beginning, you can avoid it to many extent.
1. Effective communication:
Practice open, honest, and effective communication from the beginning of your relationship because it allows your partner to understand you properly. The habit of effective communication often prevents misunderstandings and conflicts in a relationship.
2. Show Empathy:
Remember, nobody is perfect. If your partner makes any kind of mistake, it’s understandable. Try to think from your partner’s perspective and if possible, try to justify it. If you show empathy and understanding to your partner, it’ll help strengthen your relationship.
3. Keep your personal Space:
In a relationship, most couples ignore keeping their personal space. If partners interfere in each other’s personal space, it often creates conflict and misunderstanding between them, which often leads to the use of the scorched earth approach.
Personal space also means cultivating emotional spaces such as personal interests, self-care, and friendship. Personal space will help you to maintain fresh energy and recharge the relationship. Adding personal space ensures trust and spice up your romantic life rather than making it stagnant.
4. Cool Down Before taking any action:
During a conflict or fight, individuals often get hyper and say or do something that hurts their partner. Such behavior leads to a bigger conflict if don’t know how to cool down before taking any action. When you are angry don’t talk or do anything, give yourself some time, and then take any action.
5. Understand The Problem:
In any relationship, there are several arguments and frustrations. But it doesn’t mean you will fight with your partner every time to correct them. Sometimes you need to compromise and ignore the issues for the sake of harmony and peace.
Hence, understanding the real issues in the relationship and discussing them are very important. Frequently arguing over minor issues not only unbalances the relationship but also leads to emotional distance. Fighting over small problems will prevent you from focusing on your goals.
6. Avoid Ultimatums and Threats:
Whenever there is a fight in a relationship, many people put ultimatums on their partner and push them in a certain direction. It not only reduces the chance of strengthening the relationship but also decreases the respect you have earned from your partner.
Despite having a dominating nature, try to be soft and handle the situation logically. Manipulating your partner or forcing them may solve the problem for a while but in the long run, it cannot sustain. Thus, express your needs and desires clearly and help them to adjust according to your desires.
7. Criticize the mistake, not the person:
Every human commits mistakes and hence punishes the mistake instead of criticizing the person. Show them why it is wrong and also support them so they don’t commit the same mistake again.
Learning from mistakes is the most important task to maintain a healthy relationship. Hence, acknowledge the mistakes and use them as learning opportunities rather than as ammunition for future arguments.
A mature person doesn’t dwell on previous mistakes, he cultivates the grain of success from that mistake.
8. Practice Self-realization:
Conflict doesn’t need to occur only due to your partner’s mistake. Sometimes conflict occurs from your own mistakes as well. Hence, before criticizing your partner, try to look at your actions and behaviors and analyze them. You can bring down the number of conflicts to a large extent by improving your actions, speech, and behaviors.
9. Focus on Building Trust:
It is very important to build trust in a relationship. Without trust, no relationship can thrive for a long time. If the couple has a strong trust between them, they can overcome many difficult situations together by avoiding conflicts on small topics.
By implementing these 9 tips you can overcome the scorched earth effect in your relationship. Foster a healthy and respectful environment in the relationship, it’ll decrease the troubles for you to maintain the relationship.
Which type of people is most likely to use the scorched earth approach in a relationship?
There is no definite answer to which type of people are most likely to use the scorched earth approach in any relationship. But for your information, we have tried to figure out some personality traits that usually push a person to apply this approach.
A person who usually has intense emotions, bad previous experiences in a relationship, and cannot manage issues or conflicts is most likely to use extreme steps in relationships such as the scorched earth approach.
Also, people with stubborn natures, anger issues, and a strong desire to dominate others may also use the approach as they seek revenge in tiny matters.
Sometimes an honest person can also use the technique if he is deeply hurt or betrayed by very close people. Betrayed by close persons becomes very unexpected and unaccepted by anyone, even an honest and gentle person can lose his patience and control.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs):
Scorched earth in parenting is a very serious topic and underrated. The scorched earth effect in parenting indicates that parents take dangerous measures that can permanently harm and damage their relationship with their children. The scorched earth effects are more common in stepfamilies.
Such measures include cutting off all the financial support and kicking out children from the home.
Additionally, publicly humiliating or shaming children, turning other members against the child, and refusing to communicate with children are also part of the scorched earth effect in parenting.
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